Sunday, April 22, 2012
You know, there are few things in this world that really weird me out, but one of them is the shape of the state of Florida.
It's shaped like a gun.
Wait, you don't see it? Well I know it's a little disproportionate, but you got the handle at the bottom, the barrel up top and then a little sight on top of the barrel.
There's even a trigger there, you just can't see it because it's depressed. Let me pull it out for you.
It's the kind of pistol you'd keep under your pillow if you were James Bond.
I mean, what state in their right mind would draw their boundaries in the shape of a gun? It's not so much of a problem except that that gun is perpetually pointed at the rest of the United States. It's a little bit unnerving.
On top of that Florida's got an attitude. It should be evidence enough that Florida spawned Shannon Bream.
Instead of being merely like "You guys mess with me, and you're dead," it's more like "Are you guys messing with me? Huh? Say what again, sucka! I dare you! I double dare you!"
Let me tell you a little story.
A long time ago, in a town within one light-second of my current location, I had a sleep-over with some friends.
Now this group of friends consisted of 2 innocent little suckers,
and 2 other innocent little suckers who thought they were legitimate pranksters.
The two innocent suckers were also the kind of kids who never stayed up late. Usually in a sleep-over like this, the wannabe pranksters would keep the innocent suckers up by talking. The innocent suckers didn't care though, because it was fun to laugh into the night.
This time was different. The wannabe pranksters were quiet.
One of the two innocent suckers went to sleep immediately on the top bunk of the bunkbed. The second one thought something was up, and only pretended to fall asleep. It wasn't long before the second innocent sucker heard suppressed giggling from the wannabe pranksters.
The wannabe pranksters got up and left the room. The paranoid innocent sucker now knew that something was up. He peeked outside the room and determined that the wannabe pranksters were gathering shaving cream. He knew this prank. It was a classic. And he knew how to thwart it. He climbed back into bed and waited silently.
When the two pranksters came back into the room, he listened carefully to figure out where they are. They were coming for him. He could hear the suppressed giggles. He could tell that their hands were going for his hand.
He groaned as if in his sleep and rolled over onto his stomach
The pranksters fell silent.
It took all his willpower not to burst out laughing and keep breathing slowly as if he was asleep.
He heard their questioning murmurs.
"Should we go for the top?"
"Maybe we could flip him over carefully?"
The paranoid sucker waited a minute or two and rolled to face the ceiling.
There were more questioning murmurs, and then some silence.
He knew he'd have to time this perfectly.
Their hands came for his again.
He swiftly pulled the cover up to his head and rolled towards them, knocking the shaving cream filled hand of one prankster into the face of the other.
There was a moment of silence.
Then suppressed giggling from the first prankster, and a "What the heck!" from the second shortly afterward.
At that moment, the paranoid little sucker (which is me, in case you hadn't guessed that yet) felt victorious.
I knew I had bested them, and could rest well that night. I was feeling pretty triumphant at that point, and I didn't really feel the need to suppress laughter.
"Screw this, dude," said the second prankster. "We'll get him tomorrow morning. Florida style."
The second prankster agreed and they both left the room again, probably to get rid of the shaving cream.
Florida style. My feelings of triumph sank into my stomach and quickly became something of puzzled apprehension.
What could Florida style possibly mean?
The fact that the two pranksters fell asleep immediately and very soundly after returning to their airbed did nothing to ease my apprehension. What could they have planned? They didn't set up anything did they? Florida style didn't seem related to any kind of prank I had heard of before.
I must have spent about half the remainder of the night simultaneously wondering what Florida style could mean and making sure that the two pranksters weren't going to get up and do anything else.
This was not a good thing, because I was one of those wimpy kids who needed their 10 hours, and the plan was to go play tennis at the park promptly at 9 in the morning.
I woke up suddenly at 8 realizing that the room was empty.
"Shoot!" I thought. "Now I've given them time to set up!"
I could hear the sounds of laughter and breakfast from down the hall, so I rushed to the bathroom. I had to finish brushing as quickly as possible. so that whatever their plan was, I could foil it. Still, I'm a careful brusher. I've never had a cavity in my life. I quickly and carefully brushed all of my teeth, and then my tongue.
The breakfast chatter had fallen silent at this point, so I was panicking.
I quickly filled up a cup with mouthwash so I could gargle and get out of there.
Somehow, be it sleep deprivation, my haste, or some combination of the two, it escaped my attention that the mouthwash was orange.
Sunny delight, Florida style.
A bad drink to begin with, but the ABSOLUTE worst possible thing to put in your mouth right after brushing.
My immediate reaction was to spray the contents of my mouth very loudly all over the bathroom mirror.
The two pranksters AND an innocent little Judas had all sneaked down the hallway to watch the hilarity ensue.
"I can't believe that worked!"
Yeah, I couldn't believe it worked either. You'd have to be an idiot to come up with that prank, and about 20% more of an idiot to fall for it. Unfortunately, both prerequisites were met.
I spent the rest of the next five minutes cleaning the bathroom, and the rest of the next day silently fuming.
Not even James Bond would have survived that.
Florida'll be the end of me you guys. I'm telling you. I'm onto it now, and it knows that.
And not even photoshop will be able to save me then.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
I am currently listening to a medley of Kitsune^2 songs and similar tracks, including "Take off and land" and "Rainbow Tylenol"
with one major difference from the original. They have been dubbed with ponies.
I'm really not sure why I've been obsessed with ponydubbed songs recently. But I have.
So, you were looking for something witty down here? And I haven't put down anything as such recently? GOOD! THERE'S PLENTY HERE TODAY.
Here is a poem I wrote for you:
There's that feeling in the air
of a summer morning fair
that makes me open up my windows
and step outside my dark lair.
I want to run and jump and play,
and do nothing the whole day.
just stand up in the sun
and let life bring what it may.
~Amos Kenneth Axiom, 2012-03-22
What an utter piece of poo! It's a good thing no one reads this blog anyway.
I have the insane urge to do everything, all the time. And that makes the only times that I am free the times when my friends are not.
Don't ever make that mistake. If there's anything you should learn from life, you are nothing without other people. I've made the mistake recently of thinking otherwise.
I need to spend more time in the presence of other humans. Preferably actually talking to them and doing good friend things that good friends are supposed to do.
I am a horrible friend,
Oh hey actually I'm not done writing yet! I totally forgot that today (tomorrow, I'm actually writing this yesterday) is FRIDAY THE 13TH.
I love Friday the 13th. It is my favorite day.
Some people have bad luck on Friday the 13th, but I always seem to have good luck. Why, just 7 Friday the 13th's ago I found a 100 dollar bill in a parking lot!
Well, not quite in the parking lot, but stuck in a tree in the parking lot.
I was so thrilled. I immediately paraded around the supermarket I found the bill outside singing
"I found a Benjamin,
I found a Benjamin!"
And the story gets better! It wasn't long before the rightful owner of the bill heard me and exclaimed: "Hey, that's mine!"
"Really?" I asked. I'm smart. I was not nearly naive enough to believe that she was not simply constructing a ruse to obtain the bill herself.
"Yes!" She said emphatically, though looking at her shoes.
"Then where did you lose it?"
"Near the deli," she said. "I had it before, and I had to take out my purse to check my coupons, and afterwards it was missing."
Well, this was good enough for me. I knew that the bill must have stuck to someone's shoes, and been carried out of the store before a squirrel picked it up and stashed it in the tree thinking it was a nut.
I happily returned the bill to the proper owner with a smile on my face saying, "Well then, here you go!"
I may not have gained a 100 dollars that day, but I walked out with the satisfaction of knowing I had done the right thing.
Remember everyone, love makes the world go 'round!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I like having these done ahead of time! It means that I don't have to spend time cranking them out when I have other more important stuff to do.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Ahhhh!!! Sorry for the late update (not that anyone is reading), I forgot to set up an automatic update yesterday because I was working on two simultaneous projects that both had problems.
I'ma let you finish, engineers, but I just wanna say, physics is a pretty intense major too.
And a hello to any Fifth Circlers that may have actually decided to visit this pathetic excuse for a webcomic.
Friday, April 6, 2012
No witty comments here today.
I am completely swamped for the evening.
Oh well would you look at that it's quite a bit past "evening," isn't it?
That's because I can schedule updates on blogger.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Wait, I'm back? That can't be right. I thought that this was another one of those "creative ventures" I just started and left to rot somewhere in the depths of the internet.
Huh. That's pretty strange.
Well, I missed April Fools day, Valentines Day, Christmas, and Thanksgiving, which is too bad, because I had ideas for what I wanted to do on those day too. I haven't missed Easter, but now it's way too close to Easter for me to be able to wrap up this miniarc to do anything.
Enjoy, everyone! And give me feedback as always!
Don't forget to browse through the archives or use those handy "5 comics ago" buttons!
Regurgitated by Amos Axiom at 4/04/2012 12:00:00 AM